With J-term well underway, many Middlebury students are taking advantage of their relaxed schedules to visit the Snow Bowl to flex on colleges with lower tuitions across the nation. Of course, as with every winter season, there are always some on campus that have never actually learned how to ski.
Luckily for them, Middlebury’s Snow Bowl has revamped their teaching curriculum for ski lessons to help students pick up the sport in the shortest time possible, which is sure to be welcomed news for the one Feb on campus who can’t ski.
The new initiative revolves around teaching novice skiers to be “born richer.” The Bowl’s ski instructors will prove key to this new process, partially because this year saw the most talented group of applications to the Snow Bowl in recent history. Nevertheless, the Snow Bowl is confident it hired the right people for the job, assuring Middlebury that every instructor will “have dirty blonde hair, substitute ‘wicked’ for ‘cool’ and address their parents by their first names.”
While the exact specifics of how this skill will be taught are currently unknown, instructor Mason Clark ’20 noted that the entirety of the first lesson will focus on the classroom setting, rather than the slopes. This content will consist of lessons on “How to Steal the Identity of a Richer Child,” “How to Pretend You’re Way Deeper Than Your Lame Loving Parents Realistically Allow You to Be,” and “How to Secretly Get an Internship at Goldman Sachs Without Your Cool Friends in Brooker Socially Ousting You.”
The process has gone over incredibly well in focus groups, as student Amy Whapakitcherington ‘21 said, “I’ve learned a lot about skiing with these lessons, and haven’t had to go down the Magic Carpet once! When the ski teachers told me I had to be born rich to know how to ski, and how to get there, everything just clicked, and I knew I was in safe, mindful hands.
“They even gave me a $200 L.L. Bean voucher and a copy of Frederick Osborn’s ‘Development of a Eugenic Philosophy.’ Now, I know I’m on my way to the top!”
Following this announcement, students have been flocking to the Snow Bowl with hopes of harnessing their sick shredding-potential on this snowy, icy, and moderately inclined battlefield. Coincidentally, the appearance of “Coexist” stickers in the parking lot has risen exponentially.