RA Gets a Life for Christmas


A photo of Parkins casually enjoying a hallway party for the first time.

This Christmas, after four months of being told to “get a life,” Eliza Parkins ‘19, a RA in Milliken 4, finally got her wish.

The suggestion, that Parkins “take that rod out of her ass and get a f*****ng life,” made its way to her in a series of anonymous notes scribbled on her whiteboard throughout the semester. Though initially confused by the suggestion, given her full, well-balanced schedule, Parkins soon recognized the notes as a thoughtful gift suggestion, presumably left by a secret admirer.

By the time the holiday season rolled around, Parkins started suspecting the gift idea was part of a surprise white elephant exchange organized by the residents of her hallway, grateful for her efforts throughout the semester to keep their parties positive and sober and to make sure their rooms never grew at risk of inducing fires.

Though Parkins chose not to include ‘a life’ on her Christmas wish list, she was pleasantly surprised this morning when she opened her first present–a bedazzled Juul–and realized her wish had been granted.

In the hours since being granted a life, Parkins has realized between puffs that maybe her efforts to protect adults from bad drinking habits was in itself a bad habit. She has also resolved to quit Quidditch.

Parkins is now looking forward to chilling out during J-term, and treating it instead more like “play-term,” a saucy nickname she just came up with and which, she clarified, “doesn’t just refer to the Town Hall musical.”


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