“Non-Denominational Tree” Comes Out as Firmly Baha’i

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The tree decided to stop passing as Catholic after watching “Spotlight” over the break.

After weeks of Mom claiming the household tree was “non-denominational” and “just in the general holiday spirit,” the tree itself has confidently announced that it actually identifies with the Bahá’í religion and its 5 to 8 million adherents across the world who believe in the essential worth of all religions.

The tree, which has since requested to be called Shoghi, explained that despite its desire to celebrate global festivities, it must be true to its roots, not in the Hampstead Forestry Park but in the firm belief of the unity of all people, transcending creed or nation.

Though sad to disappointment the well-intended mom who purchased it, Shoghi sadly explained that, “In Stacy’s attempts to branch out to everyone, she cut off some of my own.”

Shoghi has graciously agreed to light the household through this Christian holiday season, but when asked about its own wishes, it admits that it secretly hopes to be replanted this January in the famed Baha’i Gardens in Haifa.

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