In a new attempt to create an authentic Thanksgiving meal for students remaining on campus this break, Proctor Dining Hall has announced a new policy that all tables at Thanksgiving will be joined by a member of the Middlebury Republicans.
When asked about this change, a spokesperson for Middlebury Dining said, “Of course, we’ve already perfected our Thanksgiving food, which we like to practice twice a week to keep good. But we wanted to also provide students with the feel of being home, which is why we’re mandating they sit with at least one Middlebury Republicans at our Thanksgiving meal. What if they miss their uncles?”
She then added, “Also, a lot of the students who stay on campus are international. We feel a great responsibility to ensure they feel the majesty of this great nation, and in particular, the beauty of our two party system.”
To ensure their cooperation with the policy, the dining halls will also be providing the Republicans with three bottles of brandy, and a request that they interrupt others at the table a minimum of 1,776 times.
“I can’t wait to talk about the caravan,” said Gregori Putinsky ‘20, the social media coordinator for Midd Republicans. “All year on this campus I’m shouted down for my beliefs, but there’s a little something called the 1st Amendment, and a little something called Thanksgiving. I’m excited to celebrate our nation the way we were meant to: drunk.”
Notes from last week’s club meeting reveal members intend to cover: ‘The Day Trump Became Presidential’; how they prefer Charles Murray’s older writings; and, of course, vegans.
As well as a Republican, Midd Dining encourages students to sit with a 50 year old woman asking you if you’re seeing anyone, a weird cousin you’re not sure how you’re related to, and a spin instructor who will ask if you really want to eat that.