Student Kicked Out of MiddKink for Constantly Talking About Weird Sex Shit

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The president (top) and vice president (bottom) of MiddKink.

Reports surfaced on Tuesday that a sophomore feb was recently kicked out of Middlebury’s non-traditional sexual practices club for being a creepy little perv. According to those familiar with the situation, the student, who has asked to remain anonymous, kept derailing the conversation by incessantly talking about crazy-ass shit like eye contact. “He made me really uncomfortable,” said one of the club’s other members. “Like, cool it dude, nobody asked about how much you like missionary.”

The organization’s presidents held a leadership meeting last week to discuss the situation. After some deliberation, they appeared to come to a unanimous decision—cordially asking the participant to stop talking about gross stuff like ‘turning off the lights while you make sweet, sweet love.’

The leadership stressed that they respect the student’s right to free speech; however, some topics, such as sex, are simply inappropriate for a setting like MiddKink. The student, they determined, could continue coming to meetings, provided he stopped sharing anything to do with how much he loves post-coital spooning under the covers.

While the student did agree to this arrangement, he soon resorted to his more vulgar side and told his peers that, “Sexual intercourse feels good and I want to do it with a woman.” This ‘uncouth’ and ‘gross’ statement was evidently the final straw, and MiddKink’s other members were forced to ban the freak from all future meetings.

With any luck, the club can return to its normal agenda in the upcoming months. If you are interested in joining MiddKink, meetings are held each Sunday morning from 8 to 11 in the Charles P. Scott Spiritual & Religious Life Center.

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