Students Readily Embrace ‘Tick Checks and Chill’


Students who have been texting for a couple weeks explore a tick-infested area.

As the summer weather encourages students to leave campus and explore their surroundings, the invitation to do “Tick Checks and Chill” has become a new code-word for romantic endeavors. The suggestion, which can also be interpreted as an offer to perform the vital ritual of checking for ticks, has become a widely-recognized proxy for systematic stripping and meticulous combing of follicular regions.

The euphemism was adopted just weeks after the Vermont Department of Public Health announced the importance of regular tick checks, particularly in regions hidden from the public eye, including armpits, the pubic delta, and other, coincidentally erogenous zones.

The miniature arachnids are known to carry several diseases, most notably the infamous virus Lyme disease. Aware of this danger, students have learned to recognize certain symptoms while checking for ticks such as fever, rapid heart rate, warmth of recently exposed skin, and subsequent sexual arousal with the possibility of climax.

Students have been enthused by the sexual invitation’s natural roots, and see it as a environmentally friendly alternative to digital aphrodisiacs like Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime.

“I just think it’s great!” said Pat Whirlby 2020.5, of the recent sensual fad. “In the winter, it always seemed to me that having an intimate evening with a partner went hand in hand with supporting globalist corporate greed.”

While the “Tick Checks and Chill” craze has marked a steady decline in Lyme disease diagnoses, this summer has also seen an inexplicable increase in cases of syphilis, gonorrhea, and “the clap.”

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