Midd Administrator Behind Carbon Neutrality on Shortlist for Pruitt Replacement


The Trump administration respected Simmington’s ingenius method of publicizing Midd’s Carbon Neutrality without ‘wasting energy’ on any real action whatsoever.

After Scott Pruitt’s mid-term resignation, the Trump administration is once again scrambling to fill an important federal vacancy. The search for a new EPA Administrator has brought officials to Middlebury to consider Jon Simmington, the administrator who directed Middlebury’s recent ‘carbon neutrality’ initiative.

According to EPA spokesperson Cole Roules, “Mr. Simmington has proven his indifference to the environment through his involvement in Middlebury College’s Carbon Neutrality initiative. We admired his creative solution of carrying this out by mowing the college lawns six times a day instead of seven and also buying some trees.”

The ‘trees’ that Roules is referencing—some 2,100 acres at the Bread Loaf campus that Middlebury bought and set aside as conservation land—were Simmington’s clever way of enabling the college to meet its goal of carbon neutrality by 2016, in what the Middlebury website calls “a totally legitimate fashion.” The Trump administration also admired the college’s continued financial support of the Vermont Gas Pipeline, and how the public relations office kept that support safely out of the public eye.

Some members of the college expressed disappointment that Simmington would consider working for an administration thought by many to be regressive, but he defended himself by saying, “I see the flaws in this administration, trust me. But somebody has to take this position, and I’d rather it be somebody who will pretend to protect America’s environment than somebody who doesn’t even pretend to do so.”

After a pause, he added, “Plus, it’s not so bad working in regressive administrations––you get used to it.”

Pruitt could not be reached for comment on this article, but a weary secretary in his office did attempt to sell us coal company stocks.

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