Protesters Discover New, Effective Way to Alienate Rest of Campus


“Aw shucks, I wish we had thought of inclusivity cheerleaders first!” sighed one Admissions Officer after the show.

Student leaders were thrilled this Tuesday afternoon after discovering that Laurie’s Big Apology offered a new way to alienate the rest of the student body.

“At first we thought we’d try something other students could get on board with, but then we thought, where’s the fun in that?” said one cheerful performer after mockingly impersonating individual campus figures including Title IX Coordinator Sue Ritter, Chief of Diversity Miguel Fernández, and President Laurie Patton.

Although the student body at large has been rightfully disgusted by the treatment of Addis Fouche-Channer and the racist slogans found on chalkboards across campus, many felt like Laurie’s Big Apology was too mean-spirited to express their frustrations, or else, misleading.

“Wait, am I the only one who thought Laurie was actually gonna come and apologize? …For the swipe system?” said econ major Kyle Jenkins ‘18. “I’ve been waiting all semester for her to acknowledge what a pain in the ass it is to use the far doors in Proc.”

Despite Jenkins’ and others’ critiques of the show, the performance still did receive a respectable amount of support, including from the two plain-clothed Public Safety Officers who watched it inconspicuously from the sidewalk.

When asked about his opinion of the show, one of the officers responded in a high-pitched tone, “Who, me? I am just your average student who loves supporting the arts.”

He then casually turned on his heels and walked back to the Judicial Office with photos and wifi logs of all the students present.

When she heard news of the show, President Laurie was justifiably offended by the targeted impersonation of her, but other administrators seem to be on the whole relieved.

“Looks like we can add performance activism to the list of justified protests we can ignore!” said one administrator (who wishes to remain anonymous).

A minute later, she added with a sigh, “Okay, fine, I guess we can invent another subcommittee to hear why the students are so gosh darn upset.”


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