Bad Year to Be a Worm in Washington, D.C.

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This past Saturday, a stampede of around 400,000 Birkenstocks crushed much of the worm population in D.C.

Ecologists have recently published a report that the past 100 or so days have been rated ‘extremely dangerous’ for worms living in the center of Washington, D.C. Indeed, the worm population has steadily plummeted after an unanticipated series of major stampedes throughout the year, with the exception of some light, non-threatening crowds on January 20th.

Although the environmental scientists have joined forces with other fields in order to find a solution to these stampedes, including political scientists, many experts on the case have given up and recommend that the worms just enter a false state of hibernation for the next 1050 or so days. According to the scientists, this prolonged retreat might be the only way for the worms to preserve their lives, and sanity.

Similar states of emergency have been declared in Paris, Melbourne, and Wellington, as well as many other major cities around the globe. Indeed, though scientists worldwide are puzzled by the cause of these stampedes, some are now postulating that these stampedes are likely yet another symptom of global warming, and that until global warming is solved, they will only get worse.

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