Russian House Found to Have Meddled in SGA Elections

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A bipartisan investigation found that Russian House fake news propaganda influenced all 10 of the people who voted in the recent SGA elections.

Students and faculty alike are shocked by the news that the Russian House meddled with the SGA elections held this past Wednesday, according to high-ranking Official Judicial Officer. The Russian House appears to have tampered primarily with the Junior and Brainer Senator elections, hacking into opposition campaigns in order to sway the elections in favor of the more conservative candidates with traditional views towards reverting back to 10 O’clock Ross and no-swipe meal plans.

The Judicial department is shocked by the scandal and disappointed it is forcing them to pause their productive two-month investigation into the Murray protest. “We will get to the bottom of this scandal, but honestly, it seems like a waste of our time when we could be continuing our important witch hunt of identifying and giving probation to each student who participated in the 200 person Murray protest on March 2nd,” said one Dean of Judicial Affairs.

The investigation is still in its early stages, but several eye witnesses have already stepped forward with evidence of discussions held between Russian House members and SGA representatives down at the golf course, in the Kirk Alumni Center where the SGA vacations. Additionally, an undeclared relationship with covert meetings between a Junior Senator elect and the Russian TA have been brought to public attention after the former posted a Facebook “3 Years of Friendship” video, captioned: “my best friend / primary campaign donor, and not the other way around <3.”

Although it is still unclear why the Russian House chose to interfere with the SGA proceedings in the first place, some sources worry that this is only the first step of their meddling in many more campus proceedings. For example, rumors are already circulating that the Russian House tampered with last semester’s election of the next president of the French Club, as well as disseminating fake stories through the Campus targeted at the Chinese House.

Judicial Officials are still unsure how to handle this “unpresidented event,” but promise that they will do everything within their power to ensure that the truth is revealed and justice is restored. Judging by their effective and thorough handling of the Murray protest, this seems super likely.

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