MCAB regrets to inform the student body that its keynote Spring speaker, Edward Snowden, is being forced to cancel his talk this coming Thursday due to the unexpected 14 to 24 inches of snow that are preventing safe travel. Although Snowden was highly anticipating this chance to address the college students notorious for recently protesting a speaker off their campus, the inclement weather is rendering travel unsafe, especially for his flight all the way from XXXXXXXXX.
Snowden, who gained fame after publishing data on NSA’s top-secret data-mining program is frustrated that after years of being blocked from home by the CIA, NSA, and Justice Department, it was ultimately the heavy snow of Middlebury that prevented his return to American soil.
The Middlebury administration is very sad that the weather is depriving students of this unique opportunity to engage with such a controversial speaker. “We just… love… controversial speakers,” said the Dean of Student Affairs, with a lockjaw smile. “In fact, just today we emailed the students about regulations for the upcoming speech, so security could be… just like last time.”
After a few seconds, the Dean of Student Affairs added an abrupt and unsolicited, “We treat all speakers the same. Laurie would have introduced Snowden.”
The Snowden talk is just one of the many events being cancelled due to weather this week. The gym, the library, all academic buildings, and roads are also all closed, and all extracurricular clubs and events have been cancelled. Indeed, a recent report suggests that just about everything will be cancelled this week, except for that 40 page Spanish reading and in-class essay you’ve been dreading.