First Years Starting to Suspect Citations Might Not Matter After All

International students

This group of students is just piecing the secret together, after realizing multiple friends have gotten citations but are still somehow allowed to go to classes and participate in clubs.

As their first semester begins to draw to a close, first years are beginning to suspect that citations might not actually matter all that much after all. After seeing multiple friends receive as many as five citations, with almost no repercussions, the first years are considering the possibility that these anxiety-producing trouble markers may not have any impact whatsoever.

“After my friend got his first citation, I was like, he’s totally done for,” said Sandra Polgar ‘17. “We all said our goodbyes, thinking he’d be kicked out by the morning, or next week tops. But lo and behold, here he is two whole citations later, still totally fine!”

Sandra is not alone in her surprise. After an orientation that emphasized the need to respect Vermont’s open-carry policy and the dangers of carrying beer in public, first years can hardly process the reality that citations are nothing more than a slip of paper with a check mark and your name. Indeed, some of them have even started pinning the citations up to their walls, in a hyper-heroic display of bravado.

Although public safety is doing all that they can to prevent this realization from sweeping across the freshmen class, their efforts may be too late. With any luck, they will be able to accept this class’s rebellion and concentrate their efforts on brainwashing the incoming grade of febs, who won’t have any exposure to other students for a while anyways.

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