Provost Speech At Sanctuary Walk-Out Not Bullshit After All


Students watch sadly as the Provost squashed all of the energy from the speeches by describing how “excited the administration is to see so many empathetic students.”

After receiving President Laurie Patton’s email about the school’s decisions to protect DACA, many students were surprised to realize that the provost’s speech at the end of the Sanctuary Campus Walk Out last week wasn’t bullshit after all.

“She said all this crap about ‘the school is looking forward to working with you’ and ‘we’re so happy to hear your voices,’ so my bullshit radar went off the hook,” said Michael Bordo, ‘18. “But then I got this email, and now I think she might not have been spewing administrative baloney after all!”

In its school wide email, the Office of the President clarified that it will continue to protect students and their records from any potential executive action Trump makes. Patton outlined some very concrete and respectable steps, which suggest that even the provost’s claims about “Middlebury’s determination to serve all of the members of its community” might not have been just nonsensey-sounding shpiels all along.

As grateful as the student body was for the immediate and firm executive action that Middlebury is taking, there was a silent but unanimous groan across campus as students got to the sentence, “Finally, we will continue to work with other institutions to advance the goals of diversity, equity, and inclusion in higher education.” It would take a heckuva lot more emails for students to buy that.

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