A new study by the bio and psych departments has found conclusive results to explain why men’s hair goes unwashed so often, and suggests that men are not willing to share the burden of maintaining a clean society because “the soapy bubbles are yucky-tasting.”
Indeed, most of the men in the study were unable to complete even a weeklong trial of the assigned nightly hair washing, and dropped out for reasons as varied as, “It’s icky!” or, “I don’t feel like I should have to do anything to my body for the sake of anyone else.”
The results in the study were highly significant, and countered the previous scientific theory on men’s lack of hygiene, which posited laziness as the reason for their slight odor and general disheveledness. Although the scientists attempted to save the experiment by giving them incentives for washing their hair – such as fun size m&m’s, or compliments like, “you’re such a big boy!” – their incentives were not enough to motivate the men to endure even the slight discomfort.
No comparable studies have been conducted on women. Although one was attempted in 2009, when the scientific community realized women existed, the only findings suggested a tendency towards self-sacrifice and maturity that exceeded previous scales.
The only positive finding from the study was that this prevalence of unkempt hair on campus could serve as a natural contraceptive.