Dictionary historians were pleased to hear that the verb “to fondle” was used last week for the first time since 1728, when it was invented to describe the sexual undertone of fruits in Victorian paintings. After Public Safety used the word in the subject lines of two separate emails, the usage of the verb increased by more than 8000%, although not for its original function of capturing the delicately erotic aura of the curves of a pear, or shine of a melon.
“After Public Safety used the verb, we saw a huge surge in people googling “‘fondle definition'” said one local lexicographer, Martha Carroll. “We’re pleased to see that the verb is finally getting some usage, outside of questionably erotic poems about pomegranate seeds and the incandescence of ripe apples.”
To answer questions about how this word was chosen, the Public Safety emailer admitted that he scanned through 83 synonyms for sexual assault before settling on ‘fondle.’ “It was between ‘fondle’ and ‘caress’ at the end, but we figured, when else will we get the opportunity to use fondle?” said the Public Safety officer, shrugging. “We like to keep things light here when dealing with campus security. And I always did have a secret thing for art history.”
In addition to breaking the records of ‘fondle’ usage, the Public Safety emailer broke another tradition by attaching a photo of the fondler with the original school wide email. The officer claims to have included this, “in case he gets out of jail and tries the same weird shit as last time. The students on this campus are forbidden fruit.”