“Oh, that’s clever!” chuckled God to himself as he drew up the calendar 5,776 years ago and realized he could place Yom Kippur right after National Coming Out Day. As he finalized the calendar, he continued to wheeze with laughter and openly wondered which holiday would ignite more internal dilemmas, and which would inspire more facebook statuses.
Yom Kippur, the day for Jewish atonement, is celebrated worldwide somberly by fasting from sundown to sundown and “kvetching” for a couple extra hours beforehand. Because the Jewish calendar runs on its own cycle, its placement in the Gregorian calendar often jumps around. It usually falls anytime in late September or early October, although God admits he tried “pretty darn hard to make it the day after Halloween, just once.”
Although National Coming Out Day began almost 30 years ago, it has received a spike in popularity in recent years as communities around the country become more accepting. Middlebury, as a community, hopes to provide a safe space for all of its students, although the school rabbi did offer a helpful tip that, “It might be worth waiting just another day or two until your parents have some food in their stomach before you talk to them.”
Our last report indicates that God is now contemplating adding yet another atonement holiday to “spice things up a bit.” He plans to finalize the holiday once he decides when it should fall, with the current contenders of immediately after Women’s History Month or July 14, the day after Wendy’s National Fry-Dippin’ Day.