Arts Department Emailer Really Starting to Understand How to Interest Students


The winter home of the Arts Department emailer, who likes to celebrate the colder seasons by sending at least two to three emails a day.

After years of unsuccessfully trying to publicize arts events through weekly emails, the Arts Department emailer is finally starting to understand what students are into. Though the traditional “artsmail” emails boasted a full spread of local student events which “anybody would love!,” their poor response rate helped the emailer realize that events alone just were not enough to win the students’ attention anymore.

“You would think emailing the student body about upcoming violin concertos would stir up some excitement, but no! That’s not enough for these students anymore!” the emailer huffed when one of our reporters asked for an interview.

She reportedly grew red and puffy with visible irritation after being asked why she thought the arts were the only department with the privilege of emailing the entire student body at once. Later in the interview, she also muttered to herself, “more like a fucking liberal anti-arts college.”

Data collection reveals that the emailer’s decision to spice up the visuals on her arts emails has indeed significantly increased the number of students who pause to click on the emails before immediately deleting them, raising the previous 3% to a whopping 5.4%.

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