Breaking: Leaked Documents Show MCAB promises Vaccines for Winter Carnival

This week The Local Noodle bravely intercepted a leaked email forwarded to the Middlebury Campus outlining Winter Carnival plans in great detail. The email claims that ”Maybe Cops are Bastards,” or MCAB, is reportedly planning to give every single attendee COVID vaccine shots, plus enough events to drown out the crushing loneliness of zoom school. …

Virtue Field House Track Converted to Runway, Students to Showcase the Covid Testing Outfits They’ve Been Planning all J-Term

Amidst a spur of changes to Middlebury’s Covid-19 policies, the administration has converted the track at the Virtue Field House into a runway to better showcase the outfits students have been planning all winter. Middlebury’s artsiest, most sylphlike students will don their most avant-garde or otherwise most flattering attire in order to make the best…

Student’s Instagram Story of Sunset Wins Pulitzer Prize

Earlier this week, Columbia University and the Pulitzer Prize Board awarded Middlebury College student Ahr Teist, 22.5, a Pulitzer Prize for their outstanding Instagram story of a campus sunset. The judges remarked that the photo, taken just outside of Proctor Dining Hall, reveals the same level of passion and composure as the Holy Bible or…

“American Democracy Will Never Die” Says Professor Who Doesn’t Vote

In last week’s installment of his critically-acclaimed lecture series “American Exceptionalism: Why the World Hates Us Because They’re Jealous,” Political Science professor B. Munroe explained that while American democracy must be replicated globally at all costs, it is also so infallible that he needn’t even participate in the electoral process. Students were blown away by…