The Pregnancy Resource Center (PRC), infamous for providing “alternative information” on birth control to trick pregnant women out of abortions, announced last week that they would be providing free pregnancies at Middlebury’s annual activities fair this Thursday. The center’s PR director, Embree Ough announced that the pregnancies will be administered primarily by untrained professionals. “Many…
Whereas we, the Local Noodle, have been ignored by the administration, the student body, and my friend Jessie’s dog for the last three years; whereas the only recourse remaining is either armed revolution or quiet submission; whereas we are the sole, unitary, authoritative voice of the student body: be it resolved that we, the Local…
In a school wide email disseminated early Sunday morning, Middlebury College administrators announced their decision to cancel the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Mr. Christ, 33, is a highly controversial Arab rabbi known primarily for the best-selling book series inspired by his spiritual wanderings in and around the Middle East. In a surprising turn of events,…
Ryszard Legutko, a Polish delegate to the European Parliament and prospective member of the class of ‘23, has been spotted visiting campus for Prospie Days to make a final decision between attending Middlebury or Colby this coming fall. Though Legutko, who is staying on the floor in Allen, claimed to be leaning towards Middlebury, sources…
The CBRT got miffed at the Noodle this Sunday morning after the beloved student publication rushed their month-long process of drafting a response to the Chem 103 test debacle. The Noodle’s hilarious and viral article, which drew public attention to the incident, grew popular enough to force the CBRT to address an issue they had…
Tensions broke loose this morning with regards to the MCAB-organized spring concert when the Marxist Club announced plans to protest Ty Dolla $ign’s performance later tonight in Kenyon Arena. “We are disgusted, but not surprised, that our school has given a platform to such an unabashed proponent of the oppressive bourgeoisie regime,” says Marxist Club…
Chemistry 103 students this semester were in for a surprise when, after five weeks of stoichiometry, David Irving Professor of Chemistry Ricardo Klement tasked them with an unexpected problem on the mid-term: calculating the amount of Hydrogen Cyanide gas needed to fill a concentration room chamber with a lethal dose for humans. Students in the…
After several years of unlucky performance from the men’s lacrosse team, students have started chalking up its abysmal performance in the NESCAC to a combinations of beers and concussions. However, in light of the recent college admissions scandal, the players are now under review to determine whether they know how to play lacrosse at all.…
Loyal to his four-year stand against Ross, Jordan Gray ’19 found himself eating alone in Proctor this Saturday night as the rest of his class celebrated 100 Days in the beloved dining hall. Though Jordan claimed his ‘FOMO’ was “totally eclipsed” by the pleasures of availability in the booth room and no lines at the panini…
Middlebury was proud to celebrate Transgender Awareness Week this year by announcing the end of inclusive bathrooms. Though the quick turnaround was met by disapproval from students, the college defended the decision by arguing that the endowment can’t maintain a $0.62 papercut poster printing expenditure any longer. Despite student disappointment with the brevity of Middlebury’s…
President Patton surprised campus last week by announcing her successful deposition of the only remaining competitor with a claim to Middlebury’s presidency: Bill of House Burger. Burger, known to his friend as the Warden of Old Chapel, had allegedly been locked in a power struggle with the Empress Patton for months. His demise comes after…
This Tuesday morning, President Laurie Patton took to the floor of Wilson Hall to announce the implementation of Energy2028, a new approach to sustainable energy consumption at the college, which the Board of Trustees swiftly advanced despite heavy opposition from the Middlebury student body. The plan, which Trustees have vigorously advocated from within, has been…
