“Swimming is beautiful. Swimming in lakes. Swimming in the ocean. It beats not swimming. But the thing about swimming is that it is far less fun when you are being devoured by a 50 foot sea monster originating from the depths of hell.” These were the words that The Great Cephalopod of the Sea, otherwise…
Earlier this week, Columbia University and the Pulitzer Prize Board awarded Middlebury College student Ahr Teist, 22.5, a Pulitzer Prize for their outstanding Instagram story of a campus sunset. The judges remarked that the photo, taken just outside of Proctor Dining Hall, reveals the same level of passion and composure as the Holy Bible or…
Although the traditional Ski Down for February graduation has been moved to a remote ceremony, members of the class of 2020.5 insisted on an in-person celebration to mark the climax of their college careers. In an attempt to fill the void left during their final days of college, the Super Senior Febs decided to forgo…
During a rare appearance outside of his host, the lizard that mechanically operates Donald Trump’s decaying body announced today that he didn’t have another four years in him. “You guys were bound to find out at some point,” said the lizard to the crowd of shocked reporters around him. “Have you seen me try to…
In last week’s installment of his critically-acclaimed lecture series “American Exceptionalism: Why the World Hates Us Because They’re Jealous,” Political Science professor B. Munroe explained that while American democracy must be replicated globally at all costs, it is also so infallible that he needn’t even participate in the electoral process. Students were blown away by…
Recently published documents from the Notre Dame Law School archive have provided evidence of a pivotal night in 1997 when Amy Coney Barrett was supposedly turned away from an undergraduate party, on account of her being “uptight” and “not chill.” Sources close to Barrett in law school refer to these rejections as the incident which…
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Middlebury’s popular therapy dog program was shut down yesterday after one of the four-legged volunteers was arrested for allegedly selling Xanax. Officers with the Middlebury Police Department arrested Bailey, a seven-month-old Golden Retriever, after a successful raid on her apartment. The arrest was the tail-end of a yearlong investigation, culminating in a three-hour shoot-out between…
Socially eager freshmen aching to show off their LED strobe lights and 100 pack of Red Solo cups have had a particularly turbulent start to their semester on account of the administration’s “N+2 Rule,” restricting dorm room gathering sizes to “the number of beds in the room plus two.” To everyone’s surprise, however, Carson Howell…
This afternoon, some dudes in suits with a suspiciously large amount of money will be convening to ask more stupid-ass questions with obvious answers. This time they are hosting an hour-long debate to rehash whether or not America was founded on slavery, a question to which only America’s most tone-deaf scholars could answer “No.” The…
With limited indoor dining introduced this past week as a component Phase 2 transition, some students have taken the opportunity to publicly advertise their complex, twisted minds. The single-seating tables placed in comfortable distance from one another have provided an ideal space for students to brood, pretend to read, and write their tedious manifestos. Early…
New statistics gathered by the Office of Admissions on this year’s freshman class report that only 6% of first-years this fall identify as “queer,” or “interesting.” In previous years, spaces like the Mill have served as formative outlets for students to discover their sexuality while also adopting a stylish nicotine addiction, leading a whopping 80%…
Thomas Gilfeather ‘22 found himself in a world of hurt when he realized that by skipping through certain sections of his SafeCollege training, he missed the section specifically outlining how to handle the cunning troll that now resides under Otter Creek. Gilfeather watched the detailed instructions on social distancing and learned the correct social script…
Middlebury College students have made an incredible breakthrough in COVID-19 research after a number of first years discovered that it is impossible for the disease to spread on Battell Beach. In an eight day long series of observational experiments, the class of 2024 broke ground in the search for a vaccine by discovering that no…
Following last week’s sudden acknowledgment of the 155-year-old existence of Juneteenth, the Middlebury College Administration decided to take a radical stance by almost listening to the demands of Black students instead of just calling them eloquent and thanking them for their time. In a school-wide email, President Patton announced that the school supports being recognized…
