This past Thursday, tour guide Kent Schpicalokansky ‘21 was brutally obliterated after being struck by a 128-wheeler while walking backwards across College Street. Kent was in the middle of giving a tour of the school when the truck, headed for the Middlebury Co-Op to deliver Kombucha bottles, hit his body at a clean eighty…
Ross Dining Hall foiled students’ plans for pleasure once again this Friday when Middlebury couple Anna Ouss ‘21 and Bert Ferker ‘21.5 had to postpone their much-anticipated Valentine’s Day anal marathon due to complications from the BBQ beef brisket sandwich served today at lunch. “Since Bert still has no idea how to pleasure me vaginally…
Recently, the Middlebury Mountain Club announced its newest trip for spring break: a social-climbing workshop in Greenwich, Connecticut. The club hopes to provide an educational and worthwhile experience to students who pay the $5,000 dues for the weekend getaway. Overall, the trip leaders are aiming to teach these students how to strike the perfect balance…
The majority of Middlebury students are outraged after receiving a campus-wide email announcing the return of Charles Murray on March 31st. After ruining Middlebury’s reputation as an institution and traumatizing its students, the school decided to remind white men yet again that their success is genetic and that they’re special just like Daddy always told…
Vegan activists were outraged when a recent video went viral depicting Middlebury’s newest food truck, Moove Along, which has recently opened in the middle of Main Street. The truck, which specializes in beef tartare, joins the Taste of India as one of the only restaurants in Middlebury that serves raw meat. Animal activists are affronted…
In the midst of finals week, a period notorious for its overwhelming stress and seemingly endless amounts of work, one student is savoring the opportunity to let his “Protestant work ethic” shine. Citing his Episcopalian upbringing, Henry Tudor ‘22 has reportedly approached every task “with the undying passion and hardiness of a Swiss man choosing…
Earlier this week, the Center for Careers and Internships became fed up with so-called “unemployable” seniors and began handing out “It’s the American fucking Dream” embossed bootstraps. This new strategy, fully funded by the Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy Foundation, advises seniors to find a job themselves instead of relying on Handshake to do…
With both leaves and temperatures dropping this week, students are enjoying Mother Nature’s annual autumnal reminder that everything beautiful will die. “It finally hit me that the fall trees aren’t just pretty—they’re also slowly dying in a final requiem of colorful decay. Just like me!” said Sally Naheelis ‘20. Many students have reported grappling with…
In a surprise development late last night, Middlebury administrators announced that the decades-old Commons systems will be replaced with a House of Lords. “We realize that, much like the British government, the Commons system has only served to further confuse our community over the years,” said Vice President for Student Affairs Gavina Williamson. “In that…
With flu season right around the corner, Parton Health Center announced that for one week, and one week only, they would be handing out two shots for the price of one. “Pull up your sleeves. Grab all the boys. It’s flu season baby,” said Nurse Jubilee Joy. This policy saw students who were desperately in…
At midnight on October 1st, Lucifer, king of hellfire and Ross Dining Hall lunch lines, arose from the fiery depths to stand in front of Mead Chapel and decree that he had seen his shadow. For Middlebury students, this meant 37 more weeks of midterms. “According to the moon cycles, this was supposed to happen…
In keeping with its mission of empowering everybody to live their best life, YouPower has launched a virtual reality experience called iPower, which simulates 45 minutes of living as a super hot blonde. This benevolent plan came to spin instructor Helen Otroy ’21 during a particularly grueling sprint through “Nice for What.” “I started to…
