Senior Graduates Zooma Cum Laude for Unmatched Zoom Etiquette

Earlier today, Parker Carhill ‘20 became the first Middlebury student to graduate Zooma Cum Laude, Middlebury’s highest, and newest, honor created following the inaugural remote semester. Students unanimously nominated Carhill in a Google Form, recounting stories of his royal-standard Zoom etiquette.  Friends from his History of Environmental Disasters class noted his use of thematically relevant…

OPINION: Our Dumb Little Magazine Has Gone Live

Please click on this sentence to read The Local Noodle’s Spring 2020 Once in a Lifetime Certified Platinum Quarantine Edition Magazine. We could not figure out how to insert the magazine directly into this article because we were too busy writing cutting-edge satire and being pretty. Please click this link.

Opinion: Today, I Cut My Toenails

Fanny Feuhnguss Opinion Writer at Large Social distancing is hard. Since we left school, I’ve been incredibly lonely and I’ve struggled to do anything, from finishing homework to cleaning the dishes to flushing my poo. But today, I decided to take my life into my own hands and change my situation for the better. I…

Opinion: Please Grade Me On How Well I Did the Dishes Last Night

The following letter was co-signed by 2 billion Middlebury students and emailed to all Middlebury faculty on April 35. It has not been edited in accordance with The Local Noodle’s style guidelines. Deans, Department Chairs, Faculty, Custodial Staff, Parents, and Neighbors, Foremost, let me thank you for your decision to uphold the opt-in policy. But…

Administration Solves Financial Troubles by Printing More Students

Faced with an increasing deficit as a result of the COVID-19 crisis and the exorbitant cost of the MCAB carriage rides last fall, Middlebury administrators have reportedly resorted to extreme measures to protect the institution from financial insolvency, resulting in an unprecedented collaboration with admissions to simply print more students. Executive Master of Coins Karl…

Ross Dining Hall Concludes Fourth Week of Exclusively Serving “Meals From Home”

Today marked the 26th consecutive evening of Ross serving a “Meals from Home” style dinner to the Middlebury student body. Following last night’s smash-hit entree “noodles with butter” and Saturday’s “leftovers from Deborah’s casserole recipe,” Ross continued to emulate the classic home-meal experience by updating go/noms/ to declare that there would be “no dessert” and…