With limited indoor dining introduced this past week as a component Phase 2 transition, some students have taken the opportunity to publicly advertise their complex, twisted minds. The single-seating tables placed in comfortable distance from one another have provided an ideal space for students to brood, pretend to read, and write their tedious manifestos. Early…
New statistics gathered by the Office of Admissions on this year’s freshman class report that only 6% of first-years this fall identify as “queer,” or “interesting.” In previous years, spaces like the Mill have served as formative outlets for students to discover their sexuality while also adopting a stylish nicotine addiction, leading a whopping 80%…
Thomas Gilfeather ‘22 found himself in a world of hurt when he realized that by skipping through certain sections of his SafeCollege training, he missed the section specifically outlining how to handle the cunning troll that now resides under Otter Creek. Gilfeather watched the detailed instructions on social distancing and learned the correct social script…
Middlebury College students have made an incredible breakthrough in COVID-19 research after a number of first years discovered that it is impossible for the disease to spread on Battell Beach. In an eight day long series of observational experiments, the class of 2024 broke ground in the search for a vaccine by discovering that no…
Following last week’s sudden acknowledgment of the 155-year-old existence of Juneteenth, the Middlebury College Administration decided to take a radical stance by almost listening to the demands of Black students instead of just calling them eloquent and thanking them for their time. In a school-wide email, President Patton announced that the school supports being recognized…
After weeks of holding it in, Middlebury finally released its much anticipated Fall reopening plan. The school stressed after the reveal that they took note of the negative response to the survey questions of: “would you pay full admission if you were online?” and “would you pay full tuition if you could not pee in…
Earlier today, Parker Carhill ‘20 became the first Middlebury student to graduate Zooma Cum Laude, Middlebury’s highest, and newest, honor created following the inaugural remote semester. Students unanimously nominated Carhill in a Google Form, recounting stories of his royal-standard Zoom etiquette. Friends from his History of Environmental Disasters class noted his use of thematically relevant…
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Fanny Feuhnguss Opinion Writer at Large Social distancing is hard. Since we left school, I’ve been incredibly lonely and I’ve struggled to do anything, from finishing homework to cleaning the dishes to flushing my poo. But today, I decided to take my life into my own hands and change my situation for the better. I…
As the Department of Undergraduate Housing Operations prepares for the unprecedented number of students returning to campus next fall, the school has had to identify new residential spaces. A group of nineteen lucky rising juniors originally vying for KDR were thrilled to find out they were placed in the Proctor Pit: the deep, damp, narrow…
Middlebury students worldwide gathered yesterday on Zoom for the first-ever digital edition of Nocturne, the college’s annual award-winning arts festival and 24-hour drug rave. Although students in certain time zones claimed that “the vibes were off” as the festival started at six in the morning for them, the event was generally hailed a success by…
Every year a cohort of Middlebury juniors return from abroad to announce that they cannot eat dining hall pizza or drink wine from a box or be a decent person anymore simply because abroad “changed them.” This year is no different as Erica Kaiser ‘21 claims that simply being stranded in Cameroon with no timeline…
The following letter was co-signed by 2 billion Middlebury students and emailed to all Middlebury faculty on April 35. It has not been edited in accordance with The Local Noodle’s style guidelines. Deans, Department Chairs, Faculty, Custodial Staff, Parents, and Neighbors, Foremost, let me thank you for your decision to uphold the opt-in policy. But…
Faced with an increasing deficit as a result of the COVID-19 crisis and the exorbitant cost of the MCAB carriage rides last fall, Middlebury administrators have reportedly resorted to extreme measures to protect the institution from financial insolvency, resulting in an unprecedented collaboration with admissions to simply print more students. Executive Master of Coins Karl…
Today marked the 26th consecutive evening of Ross serving a “Meals from Home” style dinner to the Middlebury student body. Following last night’s smash-hit entree “noodles with butter” and Saturday’s “leftovers from Deborah’s casserole recipe,” Ross continued to emulate the classic home-meal experience by updating go/noms/ to declare that there would be “no dessert” and…
