Commons System Replaced with House of Lords

In a surprise development late last night, Middlebury administrators announced that the decades-old Commons systems will be replaced with a House of Lords. “We realize that, much like the British government, the Commons system has only served to further confuse our community over the years,” said Vice President for Student Affairs Gavina Williamson. “In that…

Bros Lining Up at Parton After Email Announces Free Shots

With flu season right around the corner, Parton Health Center announced that for one week, and one week only, they would be handing out two shots for the price of one. “Pull up your sleeves. Grab all the boys. It’s flu season baby,” said Nurse Jubilee Joy. This policy saw students who were desperately in…

Satan Sees His Shadow, Announces 37 More Weeks of Midterms

At midnight on October 1st, Lucifer, king of hellfire and Ross Dining Hall lunch lines, arose from the fiery depths to stand in front of Mead Chapel and decree that he had seen his shadow. For Middlebury students, this meant 37 more weeks of midterms.  “According to the moon cycles, this was supposed to happen…

Recapping the 2019 Clifford Symposium

The ocean—what is it? Featuring distinguished speakers from all over the world, this year’s Clifford Symposium will address this crucial question through a set of lectures and screenings throughout the weekend.  Thursday – 9/19 12:30-1:20PM: “The Ocean is a Controlled Hallucination”  Professor Kendrick Krazee, who hails from the annals of the New York City subway system,…

Pregnancy Resource Center to Give Out Free Pregnancies at Student Activities Fair

The Pregnancy Resource Center (PRC), infamous for providing “alternative information” on birth control to trick pregnant women out of abortions, announced last week that they would be providing free pregnancies at Middlebury’s annual activities fair this Thursday.  The center’s PR director, Embree Ough announced that the pregnancies will be administered primarily by untrained professionals.  “Many…