At midnight on October 1st, Lucifer, king of hellfire and Ross Dining Hall lunch lines, arose from the fiery depths to stand in front of Mead Chapel and decree that he had seen his shadow. For Middlebury students, this meant 37 more weeks of midterms. “According to the moon cycles, this was supposed to happen…
In keeping with its mission of empowering everybody to live their best life, YouPower has launched a virtual reality experience called iPower, which simulates 45 minutes of living as a super hot blonde. This benevolent plan came to spin instructor Helen Otroy ’21 during a particularly grueling sprint through “Nice for What.” “I started to…
The ocean—what is it? Featuring distinguished speakers from all over the world, this year’s Clifford Symposium will address this crucial question through a set of lectures and screenings throughout the weekend. Thursday – 9/19 12:30-1:20PM: “The Ocean is a Controlled Hallucination” Professor Kendrick Krazee, who hails from the annals of the New York City subway system,…
Long lines formed outside dining halls this week due to a new dining services policy that calls for everyone to discard laptops, shoes, and liquid items greater than 3 ounces prior to entering. Dining Services coordinator Deborah Bickerstaff said that the new policy was devised over the summer as part of Dining Services’ multi-year plan…
The Pregnancy Resource Center (PRC), infamous for providing “alternative information” on birth control to trick pregnant women out of abortions, announced last week that they would be providing free pregnancies at Middlebury’s annual activities fair this Thursday. The center’s PR director, Embree Ough announced that the pregnancies will be administered primarily by untrained professionals. “Many…
Whereas we, the Local Noodle, have been ignored by the administration, the student body, and my friend Jessie’s dog for the last three years; whereas the only recourse remaining is either armed revolution or quiet submission; whereas we are the sole, unitary, authoritative voice of the student body: be it resolved that we, the Local…
In a school wide email disseminated early Sunday morning, Middlebury College administrators announced their decision to cancel the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Mr. Christ, 33, is a highly controversial Arab rabbi known primarily for the best-selling book series inspired by his spiritual wanderings in and around the Middle East. In a surprising turn of events,…
Ryszard Legutko, a Polish delegate to the European Parliament and prospective member of the class of ‘23, has been spotted visiting campus for Prospie Days to make a final decision between attending Middlebury or Colby this coming fall. Though Legutko, who is staying on the floor in Allen, claimed to be leaning towards Middlebury, sources…
The CBRT got miffed at the Noodle this Sunday morning after the beloved student publication rushed their month-long process of drafting a response to the Chem 103 test debacle. The Noodle’s hilarious and viral article, which drew public attention to the incident, grew popular enough to force the CBRT to address an issue they had…
Tensions broke loose this morning with regards to the MCAB-organized spring concert when the Marxist Club announced plans to protest Ty Dolla $ign’s performance later tonight in Kenyon Arena. “We are disgusted, but not surprised, that our school has given a platform to such an unabashed proponent of the oppressive bourgeoisie regime,” says Marxist Club…
Chemistry 103 students this semester were in for a surprise when, after five weeks of stoichiometry, David Irving Professor of Chemistry Ricardo Klement tasked them with an unexpected problem on the mid-term: calculating the amount of Hydrogen Cyanide gas needed to fill a concentration room chamber with a lethal dose for humans. Students in the…
After several years of unlucky performance from the men’s lacrosse team, students have started chalking up its abysmal performance in the NESCAC to a combinations of beers and concussions. However, in light of the recent college admissions scandal, the players are now under review to determine whether they know how to play lacrosse at all.…
