The debate over the revision of Middlebury’s grading policy this semester has come to an apparent end, as the administration announced that their laptop’s microphone “sucks” and therefore left them unable to hear the student body. “This whole issue is rather unfortunate,” said Earl Hicks, spokesperson for the Office of the Provost, while utilizing a…
As Middlebury transitions to remote classes, students are finding that Zoom classrooms are providing them with new, intimate insights into the lives of their peers. Warren Hastings ‘22, founder of Midd for Bernie, surprised his Sociology of Property classmates when he joined the Zoom meeting from the ostentatious, marble-columned living room of his family’s estate…
Already reeling from the loss of their spring semester, Middlebury students woke up this morning to the announcement of yet another life-disrupting cancellation: the public execution of the Ross Rhino, scheduled for finals week, will be postponed to next fall. The decision to execute the Ross Rhino initially came in an email from the SGA…
After yesterday’s emergency meeting to discuss the Covid-19 outbreak and its impact on the immediate future of Middlebury, the Board of Trustees has unanimously voted to make the survival of the Local Noodle a primary objective for the coming months. The decision was announced yesterday afternoon after a particularly convincing presentation by Noodle staff and…
Instead of adding significant content to the powerpoint that Tre Hardson ‘21 made for his sociology class’s midterm presentation this week, his biddy partner instead opted to gentrify his entire neighborhood. Hardson only agreed to work with Jean Jookit ‘20, his biddy partner, because “we made eye contact after the professor announced the assignment, so…
The Middlebury roaring twenties themed Winter Carnival concert ended abruptly today after guest performer DJ Earworm became overwhelmed by the piercing gaze of famed oculist Dr. T.J. Eckleburg. Halfway through the performance of his hit song: ”United State of Pop 2009,” the DJ turned around to note the visuals Middlebury has selected for his performance,…
Middlebury received a pleasant surprise yesterday when celebrated alum Barack Obama ‘79.5 dropped in to visit campus to get an Even Steven at the Grille. Obama is Middlebury’s fourth most famous alum after Steven Hauschka ‘07, Rafi from the League ‘95, and the entire band known as Dispatch ‘96-’98. “It’s good to be home,” said Obama…
According to her friends, Tess Prett ‘22 is apparently upset that Francois Fuchbois ‘21 did not acknowledge her existence when they passed each other in the Atwater dining hall last Monday morning. Fuchbois has defeneded his actions, or lack thereof, by arguing that just because the pair had intimate, loving sex, it does not mean…
This past Thursday, tour guide Kent Schpicalokansky ‘21 was brutally obliterated after being struck by a 128-wheeler while walking backwards across College Street. Kent was in the middle of giving a tour of the school when the truck, headed for the Middlebury Co-Op to deliver Kombucha bottles, hit his body at a clean eighty…
Ross Dining Hall foiled students’ plans for pleasure once again this Friday when Middlebury couple Anna Ouss ‘21 and Bert Ferker ‘21.5 had to postpone their much-anticipated Valentine’s Day anal marathon due to complications from the BBQ beef brisket sandwich served today at lunch. “Since Bert still has no idea how to pleasure me vaginally…
Recently, the Middlebury Mountain Club announced its newest trip for spring break: a social-climbing workshop in Greenwich, Connecticut. The club hopes to provide an educational and worthwhile experience to students who pay the $5,000 dues for the weekend getaway. Overall, the trip leaders are aiming to teach these students how to strike the perfect balance…
The majority of Middlebury students are outraged after receiving a campus-wide email announcing the return of Charles Murray on March 31st. After ruining Middlebury’s reputation as an institution and traumatizing its students, the school decided to remind white men yet again that their success is genetic and that they’re special just like Daddy always told…
