URGENT: Weekly Campus Status Page Updates Leaked
The following email was intercepted by The Local Noodle on April 27th, 2021 Hello, students! It’s us, the COVID OPs Team, back at it again with another email about the Campus Status Page. We want to make sure you know how proud we are of you for complying with the COVID rules in these unprecedented…
Campus Rejoices as Noodle Print Edition Goes Live!
The newest Noodle Print Edition is now available digitally for the public, not just “Noodle Gold+” members! Read it here!
Editorial: The Middlebury Campus Must Apologize for Making Light of the Suez Canal Crisis- That’s Where All Our Print Copies Are
As a general rule of thumb, we at the Noodle try to refrain from writing with our own voice. Today, however, we would like to acknowledge The Middlebury Campus “Newspaper’s” callous mockery of the Suez Canal Crisis. We were shocked, disappointed, and frankly disgusted by The Middlebury Campus’ attempt at making light of the very…
Governor Phil Scott Bans Vaccines for All College Students Because “Those Kids Can Go Fuck Themselves”
After enduring criticism for not allowing out-of-state college students to get vaccinated, Vermont Governor and token Republican Phil “one of the good ones” Scott decided to double-down on his position and signed an executive order forbidding Covid vaccinations from going to any college student in the state. When reminded he already forbid these same students…
All Jewish Students Removed from Campus After Inviting Off-Campus Messiah for Passover Seder
Early Sunday morning the COVID Judicial Affairs Board announced the sudden removal of all Jewish students from campus following their Passover Seders where they blatantly left a seat open for an out-of-towner. In a clear violation of the COVID regulations stipulating that no student is to bring a visitor from off-campus, the board wanted to…
What do I do if my Midd Marriage Match is an 18th-century Ghost?
“So- my match was in the 99.99th percentile of compatibility, and I did click “I like older men,” but this might be too much. I know that he’s supposed to be my soulmate because the Internet said so, but he’s a ghost? I’m desperately looking for love, but I’m obviously a bit shocked. What do I do?”
Middlebury’s “Open the Books” Founder Revealed to be Leprechaun Searching for his Pot of Gold
At 2:00am, March 17th 2021, the department of Public Safety officially took Barney Murphy, an alleged Leprechaun, into custody. Murphy, who was cited for causing “a public disturbance at indecent hours” was found like most freshmen victims of a Public Safe Citation: drunk and shirtless outside of Atwater. “He was screaming for hours,” said Will…
Bookstore Succeeds in Quest to Neither Offer Books Nor be a Store
In the chaos of the COVID-19 pandemic, multiple buildings have tried to change their identity, but a few weeks into this semester it is clear only the “Bookstore” has succeeded. The gym tried to just become a testing site, but it was thwarted by pesky athletes. Battell Beach tried to become a wasteland, but it…
Breaking: Leaked Documents Show MCAB promises Vaccines for Winter Carnival
This week The Local Noodle bravely intercepted a leaked email forwarded to the Middlebury Campus outlining Winter Carnival plans in great detail. The email claims that ”Maybe Cops are Bastards,” or MCAB, is reportedly planning to give every single attendee COVID vaccine shots, plus enough events to drown out the crushing loneliness of zoom school. …
Virtue Field House Track Converted to Runway, Students to Showcase the Covid Testing Outfits They’ve Been Planning all J-Term
Amidst a spur of changes to Middlebury’s Covid-19 policies, the administration has converted the track at the Virtue Field House into a runway to better showcase the outfits students have been planning all winter. Middlebury’s artsiest, most sylphlike students will don their most avant-garde or otherwise most flattering attire in order to make the best…
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