Dear Mr. Mahaney, I pity you. Gone are the golden days and nights of your sailing silver medal. Gone is the fleeting ego boost derived from the donation that renamed our beloved Center for the Arts. So now, you assault us further with this public foray into the metaverse of the NFT. Well, Mr. Mahaney,…
I have been asked to issue a formal apology for taking a shower in the Battell Beach sprinkler this morning. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that being fully nude on Battell Beach at noon on a Tuesday would have gone over so poorly, and I apologize for my lack of foresight.…
As the United States begins to finally emerge from over a year of quarantining, masking, social distancing, and shame-spiraling, the same question has been on everyone’s mind: what’s next? For most Americans, the next few months will bring significant decreases in restrictions as more and more people are vaccinated. It’s been a long, cold, lonely…
Students across Middlebury are waking up to find that copies of their favorite satire newspaper, The Local Noodle, have been distributed across campus. Look for it in your local dining hall, or read it here!
With the United States’ midterm elections just 552 days away, Middlebury’s Student Government has seized on the campus’s newfound political enthusiasm by promising that every single student will be given a cabinet position in the rising administration by the beginning of next semester. This surprise initiative began this morning, and is the brainchild of SGA’s…
The following email was intercepted by The Local Noodle on April 27th, 2021 Hello, students! It’s us, the COVID OPs Team, back at it again with another email about the Campus Status Page. We want to make sure you know how proud we are of you for complying with the COVID rules in these unprecedented…
The newest Noodle Print Edition is now available digitally for the public, not just “Noodle Gold+” members! Read it here!
As a general rule of thumb, we at the Noodle try to refrain from writing with our own voice. Today, however, we would like to acknowledge The Middlebury Campus “Newspaper’s” callous mockery of the Suez Canal Crisis. We were shocked, disappointed, and frankly disgusted by The Middlebury Campus’ attempt at making light of the very…
After enduring criticism for not allowing out-of-state college students to get vaccinated, Vermont Governor and token Republican Phil “one of the good ones” Scott decided to double-down on his position and signed an executive order forbidding Covid vaccinations from going to any college student in the state. When reminded he already forbid these same students…
Early Sunday morning the COVID Judicial Affairs Board announced the sudden removal of all Jewish students from campus following their Passover Seders where they blatantly left a seat open for an out-of-towner. In a clear violation of the COVID regulations stipulating that no student is to bring a visitor from off-campus, the board wanted to…
“So- my match was in the 99.99th percentile of compatibility, and I did click “I like older men,” but this might be too much. I know that he’s supposed to be my soulmate because the Internet said so, but he’s a ghost? I’m desperately looking for love, but I’m obviously a bit shocked. What do I do?”
At 2:00am, March 17th 2021, the department of Public Safety officially took Barney Murphy, an alleged Leprechaun, into custody. Murphy, who was cited for causing “a public disturbance at indecent hours” was found like most freshmen victims of a Public Safe Citation: drunk and shirtless outside of Atwater. “He was screaming for hours,” said Will…
In the chaos of the COVID-19 pandemic, multiple buildings have tried to change their identity, but a few weeks into this semester it is clear only the “Bookstore” has succeeded. The gym tried to just become a testing site, but it was thwarted by pesky athletes. Battell Beach tried to become a wasteland, but it…
This week The Local Noodle bravely intercepted a leaked email forwarded to the Middlebury Campus outlining Winter Carnival plans in great detail. The email claims that ”Maybe Cops are Bastards,” or MCAB, is reportedly planning to give every single attendee COVID vaccine shots, plus enough events to drown out the crushing loneliness of zoom school. …
The Local Noodle 