At 2:00am, March 17th 2021, the department of Public Safety officially took Barney Murphy, an alleged Leprechaun, into custody. Murphy, who was cited for causing “a public disturbance at indecent hours” was found like most freshmen victims of a Public Safe Citation: drunk and shirtless outside of Atwater. “He was screaming for hours,” said Will…

In the chaos of the COVID-19 pandemic, multiple buildings have tried to change their identity, but a few weeks into this semester it is clear only the “Bookstore” has succeeded. The gym tried to just become a testing site, but it was thwarted by pesky athletes. Battell Beach tried to become a wasteland, but it…

This week The Local Noodle bravely intercepted a leaked email forwarded to the Middlebury Campus outlining Winter Carnival plans in great detail. The email claims that ”Maybe Cops are Bastards,” or MCAB, is reportedly planning to give every single attendee COVID vaccine shots, plus enough events to drown out the crushing loneliness of zoom school. …

Amidst a spur of changes to Middlebury’s Covid-19 policies, the administration has converted the track at the Virtue Field House into a runway to better showcase the outfits students have been planning all winter. Middlebury’s artsiest, most sylphlike students will don their most avant-garde or otherwise most flattering attire in order to make the best…

“Swimming is beautiful. Swimming in lakes. Swimming in the ocean. It beats not swimming. But the thing about swimming is that it is far less fun when you are being devoured by a 50 foot sea monster originating from the depths of hell.” These were the words that The Great Cephalopod of the Sea, otherwise…

Earlier this week, Columbia University and the Pulitzer Prize Board awarded Middlebury College student Ahr Teist, 22.5, a Pulitzer Prize for their outstanding Instagram story of a campus sunset. The judges remarked that the photo, taken just outside of Proctor Dining Hall, reveals the same level of passion and composure as the Holy Bible or…

Although the traditional Ski Down for February graduation has been moved to a remote ceremony, members of the class of 2020.5 insisted on an in-person celebration to mark the climax of their college careers. In an attempt to fill the void left during their final days of college, the Super Senior Febs decided to forgo…

During a rare appearance outside of his host, the lizard that mechanically operates Donald Trump’s decaying body announced today that he didn’t have another four years in him. “You guys were bound to find out at some point,” said the lizard to the crowd of shocked reporters around him. “Have you seen me try to…

In last week’s installment of his critically-acclaimed lecture series “American Exceptionalism: Why the World Hates Us Because They’re Jealous,” Political Science professor B. Munroe explained that while American democracy must be replicated globally at all costs, it is also so infallible that he needn’t even participate in the electoral process. Students were blown away by…

Recently published documents from the Notre Dame Law School archive have provided evidence of a pivotal night in 1997 when Amy Coney Barrett was supposedly turned away from an undergraduate party, on account of her being “uptight” and “not chill.” Sources close to Barrett in law school refer to these rejections as the incident which…