President Patton surprised campus last week by announcing her successful deposition of the only remaining competitor with a claim to Middlebury’s presidency: Bill of House Burger. Burger, known to his friend as the Warden of Old Chapel, had allegedly been locked in a power struggle with the Empress Patton for months. His demise comes after…
This Tuesday morning, President Laurie Patton took to the floor of Wilson Hall to announce the implementation of Energy2028, a new approach to sustainable energy consumption at the college, which the Board of Trustees swiftly advanced despite heavy opposition from the Middlebury student body. The plan, which Trustees have vigorously advocated from within, has been…
With J-term well underway, many Middlebury students are taking advantage of their relaxed schedules to visit the Snow Bowl to flex on colleges with lower tuitions across the nation. Of course, as with every winter season, there are always some on campus that have never actually learned how to ski. Luckily for them, Middlebury’s Snow…
Last night, more white snowflakes joined the Middlebury campus as two inches of unique and fragile snow covered the campus. As predicted, the cold front was pushed up by a low pressure system in the area just outside Boston. The snowflakes hit Middlebury and immediately blended in with the whiteness on campus. Indeed, upon their…
After weeks of Mom claiming the household tree was “non-denominational” and “just in the general holiday spirit,” the tree itself has confidently announced that it actually identifies with the Bahá’í religion and its 5 to 8 million adherents across the world who believe in the essential worth of all religions. The tree, which has since…
This Christmas, after four months of being told to “get a life,” Eliza Parkins ‘19, a RA in Milliken 4, finally got her wish. The suggestion, that Parkins “take that rod out of her ass and get a f*****ng life,” made its way to her in a series of anonymous notes scribbled on her whiteboard…
In light of the announcement that Christmas and New Years articles will soon be posted to the Local Noodle’s website, hordes of white Middlebury students have approached the organization demanding an article on the final of the “big three” December Holidays: Kwanzaa. The accusations reportedly blindsided the multimedia news organization, who, despite holding numerous weekly…
The stress of final exams, projects, presentations, and the library not being open 24/7 finally got to local student Sam Lewin ‘19 this week. Though the junior tried to alleviate his tension through music, meditation, and even free cookie decorating, he reported these practices only added to his feeling of ‘mounting pressure’ by taking time…
Editor’s Note: This is an ongoing story. We will continue to post updates as developments occur. This post marks a dark day in Middlebury student newspaper history. The Middlebury Campus, emboldened by the record-shattering success of the first print edition of The Local Noodle, has stooped low enough to blatantly plagiarize the format of…
Last Thursday, student dissent peaked in response to a Dean of Students email outlining a newly proposed Middlebury policy which expressly forbids civil disobedience and disruptive forms of protest. While this news was jarring to many of Middlebury’s activists, those students on campus who care about issues larger than themselves, the vast majority of students…
In a new attempt to create an authentic Thanksgiving meal for students remaining on campus this break, Proctor Dining Hall has announced a new policy that all tables at Thanksgiving will be joined by a member of the Middlebury Republicans. When asked about this change, a spokesperson for Middlebury Dining said, “Of course, we’ve…
Reports surfaced on Tuesday that a sophomore feb was recently kicked out of Middlebury’s non-traditional sexual practices club for being a creepy little perv. According to those familiar with the situation, the student, who has asked to remain anonymous, kept derailing the conversation by incessantly talking about crazy-ass shit like eye contact. “He made me…
